What's called for is wiring it shut.

You'll eat less, and talk less. Win-win.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42987524/ns/today-entertainment/

BREAKING: FIRST HIPPO FACE TRANSPLANT

Not exactly a success.

BRISTOL PALIN DEATH THREATS UNCOVERED

Since the Arizona shootings conducted in accordance with Sarah Palin's crosshair-graphic instructions, we've heard from the Assassin Queen that death threats have been made against her children.

I think I've uncovered a few of them. They are cleverly masked as obesity-mortality statistics.

Here are a few:

http://www.overweightteen.com/statistics.html

http://obesityfighter.com/obesity-death-statistics/

Also, the popular film "Super-Size Me" contains several fairly explicit scenes which might be interpreted as warnings to a hippo like Bristol.

So, please, all you public health researchers and healthy-diet advocates, leave Sarah Palin's children out of it.

Financial Advice for Christine McDonald's

Above is a typical floor plan for a fast-food restaurant. No doubt you are very familiar with these places, Christine.

Now it's apparent you tend to spend a lot of time at the position marked "A" on the floor plan, as a customer buying fast-food product. I recommend that you follow the red line and move to position B. This is where employees do work, often casually referred to as "flipping burgers."

Just walking over there one time won't do anything to help with your financial woes, Christine. I'm advocating you spend many, many hours at position B, performing a job. To obtain this job, you will need to answer some questions on an application, and during a personal interview.

A final bit of advice: don't mention your witchcraft, your "Oxford education," or (most of all) your masturbation fixation.

Good luck!